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Freelance Whales

This Thursday night there is a Freelance Whales concert at Lincoln Hall. They're a relatively small/new band that Kuph and I both like. Today I had the following gchat status:

"Freelance Whales concert on Thursday. That's my motivation for the week."

Almost immediately after posting this, Kuph and I had the following little chat:


Ryan: what!?
since when?
me: are you stupid?
i bought you a ticket months ago


Here is Kuph's favorite song of theirs for anyone potentially interested in the band in question

J Mac's birthday

Last night was little J Mac's birthday. Wristband deal as always means too much drinking in a short period of time.

Kuph put his energy into dancing.

Kuph isn't a dog person

So Kuph has never had a dog. That's fine, a lot of people don't ever own dogs. They're weird as hell, but such people exist. Kuph's lack of basic dog knowledge is completely unacceptable though.

Our weekend roommate/asian, Jeff Wang, sometimes brings his pitbull. This is her:



last time she was over, Kuph and I had the following little chat:


Kuph: What is this? A lab?
Me: You serious?
Kuph: I don't know anything about dogs


No shit.

Hawkeyes

First, I'd like to once again apologize for my lack of progress on this blog. Now that I live with Kuph (and Rudy) I hope to more frequently update this blog.

Recently Kuph hasn't been giving me the best material as he had been what he calls "Responsible Kuph" for some time. To the majority of us, this might as well have simply been "Boring Kuph" as he was training hard for the Chicago marathon and therefore not doing much drinking. Well that paid off well as Kuph ended up not being able to run because he fell down and smashed his head on the floor requiring him to spend a week in the hospital. What a jackass. Anyway, enough about that boring/serious garbage.

With the marathon training a distant thing of the past, Kuph has begun to drink again and back to typical Kuph nonsense of sending me texts which for the most part are just weird. Vampire Weekend lyrics, strings of emoticons, etc, so hopefully future material should be plentiful.

I'll keep this update brief as I don't want to blow my load too much on my return to this blog. We'll start with a couple gchat convos. The first one was provided by a young Filipino boy named James 'J Mac' Macatangay:

James: nice, yeah i came down with a cold/flu yesterday....
Ryan: ah you'll be all right
I thought earlier this week that I had appendicitis/kidney stones
i was dumb. it was nothing of course

No doubt about it, he really was/is dumb.

The next gchat convo is my own with Kuph and occurred just today:

Ryan: Chad and I are going to that 4 shadows bar for the Iowa game
finally..an all Iowa bar
JESUS

Kuph has become quite spiritual recently, but that's not my point here. My point is that Kuph didn't go to Iowa and none of his family did either. The kid has zero connection to the school whatsoever, but I'm just nervous he hasn't realized that yet.

While typing this post Kuph and I have been watching the Bulls game (Rose can just plain ball) and Kuph disappeared into his room to emerge with a hoodie and an Iowa tshirt over it and announced, "This is what I'm wearing tomorrow!" What a gay. Said shirt cost Kuph $40 at Nordstrom's this week, yet the same shirt is likely 3 for $1 at any regular store. Kid has some serious issues.

Long time, no post

It's been a while since my last post, and I don't have a good reason. Kuph has been 'responsible Kuph' which doesnt mean anything at all except he has a job, which is shocking. People can still achieve anything in this country.

Another Gchat update, courtesy of Rudy.

To paint a picture for you, Japan just got knocked out of the World Cup. Rudy is understandably upset. On the other hand, his hair is blond, which is far less understandable.


Gchat:

me [Rudy]: Japan lost
Ryan: damn
me [Rudy]: my life is over
Ryan: haha
Sent at 11:45 AM on Tuesday
Ryan: i should get a manicure


I just don't even know how to deal with this one

How is he still single?

Some more gchat Ctrl + C and Ctrl + V:

Ryan: I have to wash my sheets which I peed on

me: please tell me you havent slept on them the last 2 nights....

Ryan: I won't tell you then
but I have
hahaha
I put down a couple towels, don't worry
and I haven't used any sheets for sleeping since it's been hot as hell in here
Sent at 9:31 AM on Tuesday

Pretty Standard

So there's been a little bit of a gap in posts for which I apologize. I hope that in no way implies to you that Kuph has been normal recently, because the kid is nuts. It apparently turns out that some of his ridiculous crap dates back to a few weeks ago. A video shot by Kyle Somerfield has recently surfaced wherein Kuph takes off his shirt (this is far too common) and is persuaded by the crowd at my apt to also remove his pants. Fortunately there is no full frontal in said video, but kuph does moon the partygoers at my apt. For those of you that are not aware, Kuph freeballs pretty much all the time. Yep, even in jeans. I know, I don't get it either. One of the people at the party (Mickey Reed) can be heard saying "I can see his penis from this angle." I'm pretty sure she is also taking pictures, so those shots are probably out there somewhere. I won't be releasing this video yet as Kuph, through a thick stream of tears, made me promise not to post it yet, but you can be sure it'll make it's way here eventually.

As far as more recent events, last weekend Kuph did too much partying. The kid either doesn't know him limits, or has a complete disregard for them despite how stupid he makes himself look. I wasn't out with him on Friday as I went to the Hawks game, but from what I hear from Rudy, he was pulling his shirt off at McGee's to the complete dismay of all females in attendance. Saturday, more of the same. At a party at Kmac's, Kuph just gets hammered, acts like an idiot, probably kills any shot with any girl in Chicago as he's the opposite of smooth when drunk. The only thing I can give him credit for is the fact that he has an uncanny habit of realizing he's too hammered (way after the rest of us, but still) and simply vanishing from a party to grab a cab back home.

The next day, Sunday, 2pm Hawks game, so Kuph and I headed to Duffy's for brunch and to watch the game. Really good buffet and bottomless mimosas. Pretty solid. (This blog is not sponsored by Duffy's.) I'm pretty sure we all know where this is headed, Kuph got rolling on mimosas. Hawks win, Kuph and I take our traditional shot of jager to celebrate the win, and we head over to his former teammate Andrew's place for a little Sunday BBQ on the roof of his building. Now at this point I would say that I had a nice summer Sunday buzz going, and Kuph was a drunk asshole. We get to his buddy's place and soon head up to his roof to use the communal decks and wait for some of their other friends to arrive. During this time Andrew is constantly telling Kuph to quit acting like an asshole because there are other people from the building using the grills, reading, sun bathing, etc. Kuph's not really paying attention to these requests at all as he quickly becomes the paranoid drunk when the rest of their friends arrive because he assumes everyone is talking about him which just led to people starting to talk about him.

At one point Kuph said to his other buddy Cliff and I, "Guys, check this out." Kuph then proceeded to walk over to the fence on the roof and just stand there. Andrew went to go check on him a couple minutes later bc we all thought Kuph was going to pee off the roof. Fortunately he did not, but when we asked why he wanted us to watch he said, "Ah crap, I was going to go flirt with that girl." Quite frankly, I'd say that he had a better chance with her based on the move he chose of standing by himself in the corner than if he talked to her.

Later Kuph asked the group if anyone wanted to shotgun a beer with him. As I've said it's a nice sunny Sunday and the rest of us aren't degenerates so we all decline, and Andrew tells him not to do it. Obviously if Kuph had not done it, I wouldn't have started talking about this. So he shotguns a beer and gets a good 60% of it on his shirt and shorts. Upon people telling him this, Kuph shotguns another and does a far better job. Everyone thought he was pathetic.

It's not even surprising anymore

gchat convo:


Ryan: dude
I just made the best dance in the shower to Tik Tok by ke$ha
Sent at 1:48 PM on Friday
Ryan: i am going to bust that shit out at a bar soon
all the women be flockin'



No Ryan, they won't. That's just my opinion, but it's right.

Graduation

This may be one of the stupidest things I've seen Kuph do. He ended his time in college and graduates on Saturday. I don't think the kid has a single marketable skill as he's unwilling to mention his hot sisters and mom on his resume. He's been bragging to me on gchat today about how he aced his final in order to pass a class.

He has also been endlessly going on about:

Ryan: one of the better haircuts i've gotten recently

The kid's hair always looks the same....

wtfuck?

Blackhawks Game 1 at Duffy's

I don't have much time to dive into stories yet because I'm headed to the Hawks game, but I'll quickly throw out a Kuph story related to the Hawks.

So on a typical Friday night in Chicago, some of us including Kuph have decided the best place to be is likely Duffy's. For $20, from 6:30-11 it's a decent buffet (of mainly random fried crap but it also has chicken wings and some solid pasta), well drinks, and any beer on tap. It's pretty solid deal. A small group of us went there last Friday to watch the first game of the playoffs. The game didn't go well, but we all had a pretty solid time, and Kuph got hammered.

At one point Kuph and I had to go to the bathroom, so we're standing in there waiting to wash our hands or something, when some kid starts yelling "Detroit What" which maybe I'm naive but I still don't understand what the hell that really means. Despite the fact that Duffy's is technically a Red Wings affiliated bar, it was obviously packed with Hawks fans and this yelling led to a fight in the bathroom as Tommy Tough Nuts in the Hossa jersey decided he had to defend the bathroom from Detroit kids. The fight went absolutely no where as usual as not a single punch was thrown as they were held back. The Hawks fan was a tall lanky dude who should be glad that was the case too. Well we're trying to walk out of the bathroom when Kuph decides he now needs to walk up to the Detroit kid and shove him against the wall, which I'm pretty sure quite frankly confused the shit out of everyone. As Kuph prides himself on wearing extra small clothing (true story) I quickly grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and dragged him out while Kuph continued to defend what he did because "Dude, he was a Red Wings fan." Fair enough.

Around 11 when the drink deal ends, Kuph tells me we need to head to State to meet up with people. I asked him many times who, but he just said "don't worry about it" which was comforting. Most of the rest of our group bailed at this point because they wanted an early night, but Kuph, my friend John from UW, and I were going to go to State. While waiting for a cab outside Duffy's, Kuph drew quite the crowd by peeing on Duffy's despite the fact that it's on a pretty busy street (Diversey) and he tried to talk to ever chick that walked by in the process.

Obviously once we got there, we knew nobody, and when I asked Kuph who was supposed to be here, he said, "I dunno." Great. (Full disclosure: Gage and a few others had been there I found out later, but Kuph was too hammered to be of any value at this point.) Kuph then decided we needed to meet some girls, which in Kuph's condition sounded hilarious. He walked up to some tall skinny girl dancing and tried to dance up on her. She wasn't feeling it, so Kuph started slapping her ass while trying to dance with her. Shockingly, she still wasn't into it. What a bitch. So Kuph turned and tried to dance with her friend. I think the first girl was now jealous Kuph had moved on so quickly and grabbed Kuph and told him, "I told you to get out of here asshole." I have no clue what happened next as I went to the bathroom and when I returned Kuph was gone. Whether he left on his own or got kicked out, neither of us will ever know.

Pretty standard night out with Kuph.

Beginnings

(Around noon on the floor of a McDonald's on St. Patrick's Day)

When I moved to Chicago in December I knew the amount of Kuph I'd see would greatly increase from college levels, but I certainly had no idea we'd end up hanging out this much. Like many of you, I can't go much more than an hour without Kuph sending me a text about what he's doing, what he's thinking, or a Ke$ha song lyric. Because I haven't yet gotten into the twitter thing, Kuph sends me texts of most thing he tweets to make sure I'm aware of stuff I don't even want to know. The kid's an idiot. He invites himself over to my apartment at least once a week while giving me text updates almost every 5 minutes about how his bus travel to my apt is going. Despite how often I've told him I don't care, he continues.

As a result of this, after talking with a few friends (Mickey Reed, Rudy, and my roommate Trent who already loves Kuph's stupid antics), I decided I needed to make a blog to document the stupid shit I've seen this kid do. Guest posts will certainly be requested from anyone with a good story, and I know Rudy has already eagerly volunteered.

Some People might think that this is mean to do this to a friend, and that Kuph would get embarrassed about this. No, absolutely not. If you know Kuph, you know he's going to think this is pretty damn funny too. A friend (Dan Walters) suggested that doing this might influence Kuph to act more outrageous for the sake of this blog, but considering how the kid acts already, and the fact that half of these stories occur when he's blacked out already, I'm not worried about it.